My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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