Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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