Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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