i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
