I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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