currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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