Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
