What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
