ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
