I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize