Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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