Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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