There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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