Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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