Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
