I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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