That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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