Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
