Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize