that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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