and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
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I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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