I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
