oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
