when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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