my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
