like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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