Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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