My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
