Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
