I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
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it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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