I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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