He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
