mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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