Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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