so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
the raccoons are back...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
