I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
