i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
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You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
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Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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