The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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