apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He felt like a one man threesome
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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