you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
