At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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