I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
