tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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