She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
