I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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