So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
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I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
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When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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