dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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