I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
