I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
