Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
