dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
