There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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