I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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