just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
