it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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